Marriage is not what most of us thought and what the dramas in the television had shown to us.
As much as I write and express, I love to observe too.
Today I saw a muslim couple with a perhaps 5 year old child in a restaurant here in Dublin. And out of sudden the child threw up everything that she had eaten, and she was crying heavily. Her clothes were in dirt, and the table as well as the floor was accumulated with the vomit. The father quickly grab tissues from his wife and ask for plastic from the waiter at the restaurant. As the mother brought the child upstairs to the toilet for cleaning her up, the father used the tissues and cleaned up the heavy mess by his own. When he saw me observing him from the starting of the incidence, he stopped and said I am sorry. I replied it was really okay and theres nothing to be sorry for.
You see, when he was cleaning the vomit, it shows how much he lowers his ego while this incidence happened at public. For me, this is a praiseful attitude and action that he had done. This is what we called love and ikhlas. Love is when you lowers your ego for your beloved. When he did that with much efforts, I mean he could just let the waiters there to do their job, but he sincerely clean up the mess that his child done. Why? Because, it is called ikhlas. He is 'ikhlas' doing it for the sake of Allah. Ikhlas is when you give and do things without expecting any rewards from it. MashaAllah.
This is maybe a very small circumstance that happened during marriage. But subhanaAllah. Marriage is not just the unity of two souls and the coming together of two souls who interested in each other. Marriage is way more than that. True happiness in marriage requires ikhlas. I mean, look at the father, he clean it up without any raising voice to the child, and he did not just left the wife to do all of that. It is so beautiful. For me it is such a beautiful view. May Allah bless the family so much.
True happiness in marriage requires both partners to lower their egos and to be ikhlas, sincerely love and take care of each other for the sake of Allah. You don't leave and hate your spouse when your spouse is sick and cannot entertain you or in certain condition that make the spouse angry; for example when your spouse is hungry right? Hence, it is called ikhlas.
Ikhlas is when you love or do anything only for the sake of Allah. Ikhlas doesn't requires conditions and reasons. In the Quran, Allah has expressed three beautiful description about marriage. It is 'mawadda' , 'rahmah' and 'litaskunu ilaiha' (sakinah). What is 'mawadda'? 'Mawadda' in arabic come from root word 'wud' which comes from the attribute of Allah, Al Waduud. It means pure, sincerely love without reasons and conditions. For me, it means you love the strength and the weakness of a person. Thats called ikhlas. You love them when they are beautiful, and also when they are not. You love them when they are healthy as well as when they are sick. You love them when they are soft and tender as well as when they are mad and harsh (certain limit that is alright in Islam) especially when people are tired. You love them just for the sake of Allah. Sincerely want to bring them and be with them together in Jannah.
'Rahmah' is mercy and affectionate. Why did Allah choose 'rahmah' here among of all other quality that a marriage should have? Because 'rahmah' is when you put another person, for example your spouse more that yourself. You are selfless. You have mercy on your beloved. You consider about their feelings and their emotions. Their sadness is your sadness, and their happiness is your happiness. That is affectionate mercy. That is rahmah.
When both of the spouses have this, Allah will put peace (sakinah) inside their marriage. There will be 'qurratun a'yun' (coolness of eyes and heart) as being mentioned in the Quran. There will be very less arguments to the extend inshaAllah there will be no fights at all. That is the true happiness in marriage.
So coming back to myself, of course I've never experienced all of these, but as I said, since I was a child I love to observe. And for me, this is one of the happiness that Allah had said in the Quran that really we should make du'a and passionately work into it.
For me marriage is a conclusion of being able to lower your ego, to love and do things ikhlas (sincerely) for Allah and especially to be able to get out from your comfort zones. In order for us to be ready for all of these (of course only Allah knows when but we have to make efforts as well), it requires tarbiyah. Tarbiyah (education and discipline) of our own selves, hearts, attitudes, akhlaq and our ibadah to Allah so much. We may not be fully perfect because theres so much to learn inside the marriage itself, but it is that we try our best to tarbiyah ourselves just for the sake of Allah.
May Allah help and ease us all and give us true happiness in marriage only for the sake of Allah. May Allah instil in us ikhlas and love for the sake of Allah, knowing deeply, the only love that will be lasting is when you love people for Allah. May Allah bless all of us beautiful marriage in duniya till Jannah.
Ameen ya Rabb.